Social Mobility

Alan Milburn is our new “social mobility tsar”. It’s an interesting thought that we now have more tsars at one time than Russia did throughout its entire history, but I digress. His job, we are told, is to ensure that every member of the community has access to social mobility. Now, this does not mean, as some may think, that everyone gets a mobility scooter with “HELLO” written on it. It means that everyone should have access to careers regardless of social class… or education… or, in some cases, ability.

I’m not knocking this. I think it’s a good thing. Careers should not be closed to those who do not belong to the right class or did not attend the right schools. A state school background does not mean a lack of intelligence or suitability. Likewise, a public school background does not guarantee intelligence, as George Osborne has clearly illustrated. But I’m not too sure about the idea of a failed A level student doing my hip replacement when the time comes. However, I’m all for this… in principle.

However, social mobility is not always an upward path.

I got a phone call from a nice chap at the Department of Work and Pensions last Friday. He rang up just to see how I was feeling, which I thought was nice. I said: “Fine, thanks”

He said: “Oh dear!”

I said: “Is there a problem?”

He said: “Well, Mr. Tocknell, you’ve been retired for almost three years now and I was just wondering how much longer you’ll be needing your pension”

I said: “The rest of my life, I hope”

He said: “Yeah. Any idea how long that’ll be? Only we got a recession on”

I said: “Righto. I’ll just nip off and shoot myself, shall I?”

He said: “Really??” with a little more enthusiasm than I would have liked.

I said: “No. I was being sarcastic!”

He said: “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, Mr. Tocknell”

Well I had him there! It just so happens that I was reading an article in the Random Ramblers’ Monthly last week. Apparently the Department of Purposeless Research at Bath University has been conducting research into this very subject. It appears that sarcasm is actually three levels higher than previously thought. The new lowest form of wit is now practical jokes resulting in death… but I digress.

He said: “Well, if you’re not going to pop off anytime soon, how would you feel about returning to the job market?”

I said: “How would I feel?? What do you think?”

He said: “Yeah, that’s what I thought”

I said: “I thought so”

He said: “What are you good at?”

I said: “Writing letters of outrage to the press and forgetting why I’ve just come upstairs”

“Hmmmm! That does seem to narrow the field somewhat." He said: “We’ve had a memo from Alan Milburn. We have to encourage people to broaden their horizons”

I said: “Listen mate, I’m a bit long in the tooth to start embarking on some upwardly mobile career ambition”

He said: “Well, I wasn’t thinking of ‘upwardly’ exactly”

I said: “I’m RETIRED! What are you planning to demote me to??”

He said: “Have you ever though about becoming a pet?”

I said: “A PET??????”

He said: “Yeah. A lot of people are very fond of old folks and there are those who’d love to have one of their own. You’d have your own bed, meals provided and, to be honest, it wouldn’t half ease the burden on the treasury”

Well, I have to confess that being a pet is not a career I’d ever seriously considered but I guess my options are a bit limited. Anyway, the upshot is that I have to find myself an owner by 2013. I am house trained… although I do tend to fart a lot these days. I am prepared to hobble after sticks but it’s probably best not to throw them too far or you might have to wait a bit.

Sooo… if you’re going to be looking for a cute novel pressie for the kids around Christmas time….. But please remember: an old person is for life, not just for Christmas.